K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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