I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
