So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
