How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
