went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
