can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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