sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
