Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
