My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
