i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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