in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
