Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
