Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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