Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
