Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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