i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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