Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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