My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's just like the Real World with babies
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
