dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
