Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
