im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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