Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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