I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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