new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
