Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
