Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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