i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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