Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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