please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
