Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
