one might say we're banned from that church
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
