Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
