Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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