I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
