he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
