Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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