im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
