i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
