The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
