I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
