If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
