I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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