she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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