Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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