I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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