He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My dick has a subreddit
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
