You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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