Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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