So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
