I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
