Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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