I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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