I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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