I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
