i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize