I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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