I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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