3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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