Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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