I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
