Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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