Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
