matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
