I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
