I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
