Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
