the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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