I wish I only lived at night.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
