Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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